President Ashcroft Explains his Sudden Rise to Power (AP, Washington DC)
Americans awoke this morning to find a new gift from god in our nation's capital: A New President! (Former) Attorney General John Ashcroft assumed the presidency overnight in a remarkable constitutional sequence of events. (Former) President George W. Bush and (former) Vice President Richard Chenney were suddenly "unable to fullfill their obligations under the constitution" when they were declared enemy-combatants of the United States and sent to an "undisclosed location" by plain-clothes agents of the Justice Department. When asked how that occurred, President Ashcroft responded, "it's not my fault if he doesn't read the stuff he's signing." Supreme Court Chief Justice William Renquist was summoned to the White House at 3:34 EST this morning where he administered the oath of office to the 44th president of the United States of America. Afterward, Chief Justice Renquist commented, "Finally, we have a president who understands how the Constitution is SUPPOSED to work!" When asked about the other 5 government officials in line to the presidency ahead of Mr. Ashcroft, the Chief Justice responded, "John said they weren't up to it and he should know". When reached for comment shortly after the swearing in, Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle (D-South Dakota) said, "We wanted Bush out of the White House, but this isn't exactly what we had in mind." [AP was unable to get further comment from Sen. Daschle due to a failure in the Washington DC telephone system.] The new president has promised to have a domestic policy "inclusive of all decent Americans, no matter what church we attend together". No other Democratic or non-Republican political leaders were available for comment.